As host of the Do the Right Thing podcast Danielle Ward is no stranger to asking tough questions. But how is she at handling some very light-to-moderate ones? Find out below.
Hello. How are you today?
Hi. I’m wet. In all the not good ways
Are you ready for another month of Edinburgh Fringe action?
I think so. I’ve been weening myself off vegetables for the past few weeks and my sleep is plagued with anxiety dreams. Plus I’ve bought some new clothes that I won’t end up wearing and instead live in the same jeans and maroon jumper that I wore last year. It’s a good jumper.
At this stage, how closely does your programme blurb match the content of your show?
Surprisingly closely. Gary Barlow, pubic hair and the Ghost of Graham Chapman still all very much in there. Along with at least two jokes about the 1996 UEFA European Championship. And some stuff about David Bowie 😦
What are your tips for getting people to see your show?
I am not about to share my best tips with all the other shows at the fringe! I don’t want Alan Cumming suddenly offering a silly £50 VIP ticket or £1 tickets to anyone under 21 (from the Just The Tonic box office). He’s always looking to undermine me. He’s got his own blog don’t you know. My friend is in The Good Wife and she’s always going on about how much he admires and resents my excellent fringe promotion.
Who are you sharing a flat with this festival and how will you help each other survive the month?
I’m sharing a flat with my boyfriend for about ten days and the rest of the time I will be alone. What a crazy extravagance. I find sleeping, crying and using the Brian Eno app ‘Bloom’ are all good ways to get through the month. But mainly I’ll be spending another August with my best friends Buffy, Willow, Giles and Xander.
Any shows you’re particularly excited about seeing?
Bridget Christie, Katherine Ryan, Tom Neenan, Colin Hoult, Lou Sanders, John-Luke Roberts, Vivienne Acheampong, Lucy Porter, Sarah Kendall, any musical performed by American high school kids, live jazz, a Stevie Wonder covers band I saw last year, Lolly Adefope, Spencer Jones, some theatre and Stewart Lee. And nothing else. In that order.
Other than the great shows, what else are you looking forward to about your trip to Edinburgh this year?
I will be joining one of the swanko spas and spending every day in a cauldron of chlorine and wee wee. And I will also be swimming a lot. All the walking means I’ll be able to eat some Henderson’s cakes without feeling my metabolism grind to a halt. Baked potatoes. Drinking too much. And hanging out with some of my very favourite people in the world (and Margaret Cabourn Smith).
What’s your topping at The Baked Potato Shop on Cockburn Street?
Tuna & cheese. Classic. No butter. Unless I’ve had a bad show then it’s two potatoes with no topping at all, as punishment. I’ve got to learn somehow.
Here’s a space to write about anything you want. Go for it.
Here’s an excerpt from a piece of erotic fiction I was asked to write to celebrate sex book/movie 50 Shades of Grey…
…he looked deep into both of my eyes. Not just one of them, as some previous lovers had done, but both of my eyes. I knew at that moment my life would never be the same again. He took my hand
and led me to his bedroom. He smelt wonderful. I inhaled deeply and I asked what it was. “Lynx Africa” he replied. “A real man” I thought to myself.
As I’d not expected to fall in love that evening, I was wearing a rather awkward jumpsuit. We both struggled with the buttons for ages, the anticipation making us yearn for each other even more. As he yanked the cotton down over my shoulders he gasped in awe at my body. I’ve never been that proud of it but he said it was “really nice”. I felt so turned on by his way with words.
He grappled with my bra clasp. It was an incredibly expensive bra though, and while I’m all for a bit of fun, I wasn’t going to let him ruin it so I said I’d do it myself. But I said it in a really sexy way, so he wasn’t offended.
He reached over for my drink and took two ice cubes out of the glass. Then with one in each hand, ran them over my nipples. I tried to look turned on but it was just a bit uncomfortable and wet and now there were no ice cubes left in my diet coke at all, so it’d probably go warm and I can only drink it if it’s really cold. Then he took his pants off but left his t -shirt on. “Tops no bottoms”. I had never been so hot for anyone in my life.
Danielle Ward: Seventeen
Just the Tonic @ The Caves
4-28 August, 2.40pm