Comedy blog

Joz Norris’ Edinburgh Fringe 2014 blog: 02

I’m starting to worry about Ali Brice. Last night at 2am I found him in his room using an umbrella to stir a shirt around a bucket of soapy water while muttering “It’s blue, it’s just too blue” under his voice. His bedroom shelves are covered in jars of mayonnaise, and yesterday I watched him eat a bacon sandwich with a knife and fork and suck egg out of his own moustache.
Here’s a picture of him looking upset at his inability to remember his own name, and trying to cope with the horrific tragedy of knowing he should recognise the words he’s written down but being unable to fully grasp their significance.
Ali Brice

Funny, funny stuff. Anyway, Ali’s deteriorating mental health aside, it’s time for another of my hilarious and insightful photo blogs for Laugh Out London, full of all the insider gossip about where the buzz is at! (Word on the street is that my show is pretty damn special, if you’re looking for the lowdown on where the good stuff’s at). So, without any further ado, let’s crack on.
Here’s my first attempt at a group selfie of this year’s Fringe, a genre of photo I’m slowly learning lots about and improving at. This one involves Grandees Andrew Mudie and Marny Godden, and Ali Brice in a rare moment of lucidity. A selfie is a really fun kind of picture to take because it combines all the pleasantness of a picture of your friends with all the awesomeness of a picture of yourself. However, due to the fact that my arms are only slightly shorter than the correct distance to frame a picture, it’s difficult to perfect. In this one, there seems to be some confusion over which direction to look in, but that’s mainly because all my fingers look like smartphones so I think there was some confusion over which one was real. I think I went for my thumb, hence my slightly left-of-centre eyeline. An interesting thing to note about this picture is that it’s actually in perfect focus, but the perimeters of our own faces were blurring in real life because it was the end of a long day and up here reality starts to phase at around midnight.
I have to walk past this every single day on my way from the flat into town. It is a tiny motorbike with a miniature hearse attached to it. I think it’s upsetting enough that the hearse is clearly made for a child, because the death of a child is always a sad thing, but the fact that the motorbike is also clearly made to be driven by a child just makes it worse. I firmly believe that children are the future and that we should invest in them and believe in their capacity to change the world, but I feel it’s wrong to make them drive around on little motorbikes with hearses attached to them. I think this would be the most depressing and confusing cortege of all time if it was ever actually used. They are correct, though, in identifying that it would make a “lasting memory.”
While running down the Royal Mile with my fingers in my ears screaming “Get away from me, nobody cares, nobody cares, nobody cares” at every drama student I passed, I was suddenly grabbed by none other than the Doodle Brothers. The Doodle Brothers are a couple of brothers who draw pictures of comedy. Pete, on the right, was given a magic pen as a child that gave him powers of art that turned him into the superhero the Live Scriber, and Harry, on the left, wasn’t, but likes to hang out with his brother Pete and offer him encouragement. I asked Pete to stop and pose and show us his magic enormous thumb, where he keeps his powers, and he has kindly obliged in this picture. In the middle is Candy Gigi, who was trying to get to her show but has been trapped in a hex that Pete has drawn on the pavement. Candy is mortally afraid of carrots, and cannot leave the hex until it is removed by Harry. She is still there, starving to death and wailing like Cassandra.
Uh oh. News has reached London that Ali Brice is going completely batshit mad, and, much like Ralph Fiennes in the final act of In Bruges, Chief Weirdo Adam Larter has no choice but to come to Edinburgh for a weekend to sort things out himself. Adam, who directed Ali’s show, is absolutely furious that Ali’s mental health might jeopardise the show he worked so hard on, and in this picture he’s giving Brice a real piece of his mind. I think when this was taken he was shouting “You’ve got to sort yourself out, Brice!” and Ali was just shouting “It’s too blue, it’s just too blue!” and then lamped him in the jaw. I just stood there drinking an Americano and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Needing to get a breath of fresh air from all this stress, I headed out onto George IV Bridge where I bumped into the lovely Elf Lyons and her dog. It is a breed of dog unlike any I’ve ever seen before, and if I’d known any better I’d have thought it was actually a sort of red dragon creature. Weirdly, Elf even introduced the creature to me as “my new dragon.” I thought “That’s a funny thing to call a dog,” and then as I looked closer thought “This dog even looks like a dragon. No wonder she’s going around calling it a dragon. Poor old dog.” Please, please support animal charities and end cruelty to dogs. There are just too many dogs in this world that are being called dragons. If I had my way, Elf Lyons would be locked up.
Another attempt at a group selfie, this time with Jay Cowle, Hollie Ebdon and Stuart Laws. You wouldn’t think it from this picture, but this Fringe my cheekbones have actually been trying to make a comeback, which is a lovely discovery as my face has been getting increasingly fat and gouty over the last few years. I mean, this doesn’t show me at my best but seriously, guys, I’m looking more handsome this Fringe than I have since 2010. Sadly, I’ve once again got distracted and looked at my smartphone-shaped thumb rather than at the actual camera, and Jay Cowle is just completely wrong, don’t know what the hell he’s playing at. Hollie and Stu have pretty much got this selfie thing sussed, and Hollie’s even doing the internationally-recognised symbol for “Joz Norris is the Best!” which is really starting to catch on.
Finally, and I hate to finish things on a sombre note, but just a moment of reflection to remember the much-missed and loved Cheekykita, who was swallowed up by a black hole this Fringe and has been erased from existence. She was a really great comic and clown, and now she’s dead. Sometimes, if you keep your eyes open, you can see the very same black hole wandering around Bristo Square with what looks like Cheekykita’s actual face swimming in its midst somewhere, screaming and begging for death. But it’s just an echo. A ghost. RIP Cheekykita. I would highly recommend going to see hers and Donal Coonan’s show as a way of showing your respect. I think the black hole is playing all of her old parts.
Anyway, that’s all for today guys. Keep looking for the magic and keep the good times rolling. Loads o’ love. Jozzles. xxx

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