Live at the Apollo, but from memory!

BBC Three has commissioned a new reality-prank-sketch show in which real members of the public are forced onstage at an empty Hammersmith Apollo and encouraged to perform one of their favourite Live at the Apollo routines from memory. After a successful pilot was imagined by creator Tom Diddles, ‘Apollo Your Dreams’ was picked up for a ten part series. A spokesperson was quoted as saying of the show: ‘It’ll do’.

Open spot, Greg Tungsten, has broken the world record for most uses of the word ‘rape’ in a tight five. After taking to the stage at the ‘Vat-full of Laughs’ show in the broom cupboard of a popular Costa Coffee, Greg launched into a set packing in an astonishing two hundred and fifty-nine instances of ‘rape’. Mr Tungsten was unavailable for comment, but the majority of the other three hundred acts present on the night indicated that they had ‘enjoyed his stuff’ before nervously looking over their shoulders.

It was announced this week that over 5000 un-listened to comedians’ podcasts are to be pulped. A spokesperson for iTunes announced that this was a routine procedure carried out in order to free up resources for the creation of more podcasts. Among those to be destroyed is Phil Barium and Jon Antimony’s ‘Laughy-Time’, all twenty-six episodes of which concern Breaking Bad and complaints about customer service at train stations.

Gig of the Week – FUCK IT! Comedy in a pub in Acton. On a night boasting a major sporting fixture, a pub quiz and a comedy night, why not challenge yourself to split your attention between all three? FUCK IT!’s stellar line-up includes Lembit Opik, eighteen open spots and your compere: the promoter’s mate. £18.

AND FINALLY, Transport for London have announced the enlisting of Jack Dee and Jo Brand to pen new, misery-laden ‘Thoughts for the Day’ to be displayed in tube stations around the capital. The move comes after a recent survey found that commuters found their morning routines to leave them feeling ‘too chirpy’.

by Andy Barr