Oh boy! Did somebody say “Private Member’s Bar?” Watch out, Hollywood, because a wide-eyed and amazed Joz Norris had his first taste of glitz and glamour tonight! That’s right, guys, I went to the private members’ bar for Underbelly performers, without even being one, the idiots!

It’s called “Abattoir” and, while I initially had to hide my disappointment that it wasn’t an actual abattoir (the working practises of which I’ve always been interested to learn more about), it’s a pretty happening place. They even have a huge fountain on the first floor. God knows how they get the water to go up there. I also seized the opportunity to have my photo taken with a few celebrities.

Here I am, very excited to be sharing the frame with the notorious Gareth Morinan of the Listingsgate scandal.

Gareth Morinan is pointing at Joz Norris. Joz Norris is pointing at Gareth Morinan.

I also managed to photobomb this picture of Marny Godden of the Grandees plus friends, and I think I was sneaky enough that none of them noticed I was there. Norris 1, Grandees 0.

Joz bomb

After a few Fosters (which are disgusting but hit the spot, am I right?) I culminate my night with a nude dip in the fountain, which gets me quickly ejected, but also immortalised. I believe Abattoir has now commissioned an oil on canvas painting of my tremendous splash into notoriety, with my modesty protected by the raised hand of Phill Jupitus, who watches in dismay, despite the fact that he wasn’t there at the time.

As I stagger back home loudly singing my own self-penned theme tune, I run into a strange bearded man in a hedgerow, who is attempting to fit into his own suitcase and get some sleep in there. I ask him how things are going and, as soon as he looks at me, a strange smile crosses his face. “You’re just what I needed,” he says. “Tomorrow morning, I’m going to put you in my Edinburgh show!” Watch out, Fringe, because the hottest new double act is on its way!

Joz Norris Has Gone Missing
Aug 1 – 25, 2.45pm
Blind Poet
FREE